My days are filled with talking to people who are emotionally damaged. I work in the legal field and the attorney I work for does quite a bit of family law (divorce, residential schedule changes, child support…), which means the people I talk to are generally not at their best. Those whose lives have pivoted and everything they used to have has suddenly changed, and they are struggling through their own grief and pain while trying to minimize the impact on their children. Not an enviable position.
I have a friend who is just tiptoeing into this arena. He’s sweet, and kind… and broken. Not completely, but broken enough he’d be easy prey in the dating realm. This got me to thinking, “What is it about the emotionally wounded that attracts certain types of people?” You’ve all seen it, or maybe you’ve been the one targeted? It’s like a drop of blood in a sea of sharks. What’s the draw? What’s the attraction? What’s the allure? And then I realized… it’s the vulnerability.
We’re all attracted to someone who’s chosen to make themselves vulnerable. Someone who trusts us enough to expose a tender part and allow us to feel with them. They have the hope and belief that we’ll not hurt them, that we’ll accept their pain and love them. But when someone’s been hurt at such a deep level, there’s a vulnerability about them that isn’t voluntary. Their exposure isn’t based on trust or confidence, they’re helpless to hide it and so desperate to hear that they’re smart, or funny, or attractive that they’ll believe anyone who seems even slightly sincere. Sometimes they realize the predator is just that, but it’s so nice to feel wanted that it doesn’t matter. (Yes, that is The Voice of Experience you hear).
Attractive as vulnerability is, that kind of vulnerability isn’t sexy. What is amazingly sexy is someone who’s been so wounded, who has felt the pain, and managed to heal himself so that when he does reach out the choice is his. When I see someone like that I see them as if they have been healed by Kintsugi.
(Nerd alert: Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by using a lacquer that has a dusting of gold, silver, or platinum. It not only restores functionality, but adds beauty and worth.)
I prefer people who are real. I’m most attracted to those who do not conceal the damage or hide the repair, but allow the healing to show. To me they are even more beautiful than when they were whole.
The fears of the people I see in my office are no different than that of my friend: to be alone. With the exception of the few, the many of us are designed to be loved. We need touch, we need affection, and we need companionship. This week I heard a song by Marianas Trench called, “One Love” that seemed to sum up that fear. The video portrays a man who feels like it’s raining on the inside, suffocating and drowning in his tears and sorrow, afraid that he’s lost out on his one true love.
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Being alone is a valid fear, and shared by almost everyone I’ve ever talked to, but also one that almost always goes unfulfilled. Once they make it through the breaking, and allow the healing to occur, they will find someone to trust and can choose to be vulnerable. That makes them “wonderfully wounded.” That kind of vulnerability is undeniably attractive.
So what do I want to say in this week’s post? I guess I want to say that it’s ok – or at least it will be. We’re all broken. We’re all in some stage of healing. Be kind to others and pay attention when someone shows you their seams.
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