How to be a Good Hugger

I was walking on the Loop with my friend last week – we talk about all sorts of things on our walks, and last week we got to talking about hugs. Different kinds of hugs, people we know who are good huggers, why it’s important to be a good hugger… that kind of thing.  So thank you, my friend, for being a good hugger and for this week’s topic.

Everyone who knows me knows I’m a hugger. I firmly believe that people should hug more – genuinely hug more. What is it that makes someone a good hugger anyway? Hugging should be a wonderfully comforting, calming, natural, and even intimate act.  I don’t mean intimate like the intimacy between couples. It doesn’t have to be sexual to be intimate. Some of the best hugs are simply about the connection.

As with all things, the “why” is part of the “what.” As in, what makes someone a good hugger? Why is it important to be a good hugger? Well, that’s as individual and varied as people.  You should want to be a good hugger because:

A good hugger is showing that they don’t have intimacy issues, or at least that they’re not afraid to get close to someone.

A good hugger can say more with an embrace than with words.  Saying “I’m sorry” “I miss you” “Thank you” or “I love you” are all great things to say to others, but when you hug someone they can feel it. (Word of caution though: Make sure the “I’m sorry” is well received before going in for a hug).

A hug is reassuring. We all have good days, bad days, days when we feel like we’re alone. A sincere hug can reassure us that we’re not alone. It says, “Hey, I’m here for you.”

Ok, so now you know the why, but to know how to be a good hugger you should be aware of the different types of hugs.

Side hug. This one, although “appropriate” is totally awkward and devoid of any kind of connection or genuine feeling.  In today’s society I understand the need for a socially acceptable form of a hug (teacher to student) but that doesn’t mean it’s a good hug.

When I was in 3^rd grade my teacher, Mrs. Hess, would full-on-frontal-hug all us kids as we left for the day.  I am lucky enough to have been hugged by my parents as a child, but Mrs. Hess’ end-of-the-day hugs may have been the only hug that some of those kids ever had. It certainly made an impact on me and I still remember her hugs 36 years later.

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Awkward Hug by the Beefcake. You know this one. The hug by a friend who’s very strong, knows he’s very strong and either puts his arms around your neck and you get strangled, or who holds his arms around you like a Barbie doll stand and braces them so you get “circle arms.” Certainly a better hug than the Side Hug, but still not great.

Full on Frontal Hug. This is the best by far. This allows us to open ourselves to each other and truly feel the connection. Whether it’s reassurance, love, friendship, sorrow, comfort… when we hug our hearts should touch.

I happen to have a friend who is one of the best huggers I’ve come across. I asked him one time what he felt when he hugged a girl (he’s used to me asking weird and semi-inappropriate questions). He gave me the head-tilt-eyebrow-raise and I quickly had to clarify that I didn’t mean, “I feel her breasts against my chest” kind of feel, but what did he feel when he hugged someone.  Now, he’s very much the Knight in Shining Armor type of guy so his response didn’t surprise me at all. He said he didn’t focus on what he felt, but rather what he wanted the girl to feel when he hugged her.  He said, “I want her to feel my arms around her. I want her to feel my back muscles and how strong I am. I want her to feel that even though I’m strong I can be gentle. I want her to feel safe, protected.”

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn. Now that’s a good hug.

To simplify, a good hug is about the connection. Meet that person at the heart and they’ll automatically feel the genuineness of your reassurance, comfort, love, or compassion.

My wish for you this week, my reader, is that you feel my words embrace you and inspire you to be a great hugger.  Remember: practice, practice, practice!

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