Category Archives: Write2Unpack

My days are filled with talking to people who are emotionally damaged. I work in the legal field and the attorney I work for does quite a bit of family law (divorce, residential schedule changes, child support…), which means the people I talk to are generally not at their best. Those whose lives have pivoted and everything they used to have has suddenly changed, and they are struggling through their own grief and pain while trying to minimize the impact on their children.  Not an enviable position.

I have a friend who is just tiptoeing into this arena. He’s sweet, and kind… and broken. Not completely, but broken enough he’d be easy prey in the dating realm. This got me to thinking, “What is it about the emotionally wounded that attracts certain types of people?” You’ve all seen it, or maybe you’ve been the one targeted? It’s like a drop of blood in a sea of sharks. What’s the draw? What’s the attraction? What’s the allure? And then I realized… it’s the vulnerability.

We’re all attracted to someone who’s chosen to make themselves vulnerable. Someone who trusts us enough to expose a tender part and allow us to feel with them. They have the hope and belief that we’ll not hurt them, that we’ll accept their pain and love them. But when someone’s been hurt at such a deep level, there’s a vulnerability about them that isn’t voluntary. Their exposure isn’t based on trust or confidence, they’re helpless to hide it and so desperate to hear that they’re smart, or funny, or attractive that they’ll believe anyone who seems even slightly sincere. Sometimes they realize the predator is just that, but it’s so nice to feel wanted that it doesn’t matter. (Yes, that is The Voice of Experience you hear).

Attractive as vulnerability is, that kind of vulnerability isn’t sexy.  What is amazingly sexy is someone who’s been so wounded, who has felt the pain, and managed to heal himself so that when he does reach out the choice is his.  When I see someone like that I see them as if they have been healed by Kintsugi.

(Nerd alert: Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by using a lacquer that has a dusting of gold, silver, or platinum.  It not only restores functionality, but adds beauty and worth.)

I prefer people who are real.  I’m most attracted to those who do not conceal the damage or hide the repair, but allow the healing to show. To me they are even more beautiful than when they were whole.

The fears of the people I see in my office are no different than that of my friend: to be alone. With the exception of the few, the many of us are designed to be loved. We need touch, we need affection, and we need companionship.  This week I heard a song by Marianas Trench called, “One Love” that seemed to sum up that fear. The video portrays a man who feels like it’s raining on the inside, suffocating and drowning in his tears and sorrow, afraid that he’s lost out on his one true love.

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Being alone is a valid fear, and shared by almost everyone I’ve ever talked to, but also one that almost always goes unfulfilled.  Once they make it through the breaking, and allow the healing to occur, they will find someone to trust and can choose to be vulnerable. That makes them “wonderfully wounded.” That kind of vulnerability is undeniably attractive.

So what do I want to say in this week’s post? I guess I want to say that it’s ok – or at least it will be. We’re all broken. We’re all in some stage of healing. Be kind to others and pay attention when someone shows you their seams.

I love input, so please feel free to leave me a comment below or find me on Facebook (Melissa Gale) and connect with me there. Oh, and sign up to follow me. It’s easy (if you’re on your cell go up to “Menu” then “About Me” and scroll down to “Follow Me”) and you won’t miss a post!

Although writing is what drives me, I still have a day job to pay the bills. This week is Thanksgiving, and this week I have to work on my regular day off (Wednesday = Writing Day). Surprisingly, I realized I’m not angry or resentful for this change up, but rather I am relieved. I have a ton of work to do, and I’m thankful for a few more hours at my desk  so that I can hopefully bring more good into the world.

That got me thinking about Thanksgiving, giving thanks, and being grateful. Growing up Thanksgiving always meant getting up early so that we could make the hour-long trip to grandma and grandpa’s house. That’s where everyone met – aunts, uncles, cousins, and occasionally a favorite neighbor. The women would gather in the kitchen, clucking like a bunch of hens while they bustled around preparing the feast, the men sat in the living room (probably to keep from being underfoot in the kitchen) and watched football, which was always appropriately turned up to what I call “football volume.” My brother and I, as well as any other cousins that were there, would all gather in the back room where there was a tiny bookcase filled with books we all had long outgrown and old board games that typically were missing a piece or two.  I loved it and still think back fondly about those trips and the time spent with my family. I am truly grateful for such a loving family. And that’s what I want to talk about today – being grateful.

There are many positive things that happen when we practice being grateful:

•  It will change your mood. When you focus on what you are thankful for it will almost instantly transform any negative thought into good feelings.
• It will help you to be present. When you stop what you’re doing and acknowledge and be thankful for something – anything really. It can be the company of a friend, having a good job, or simply the ability to walk easily (my husband has MS and walking is not something he can easily do), that brings your focus down to now and allows you to be present.
• It will bring good things to you. Hey, it’s easy, it’s the Law of Attraction.  Put simply: you get back what you send out. If you send positivity and gratitude out, the Universe will return it to you.
• It’s sexy. Someone who’s grateful is happier, able to see things from a different perspective, and appreciative for what they have. And hey, who doesn’t like to be appreciated?

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So how can you learn to be more thankful and grateful?

• Be aware of the positives in your life. So often we get all wrapped up in ourselves and the bad stuff that happened, is happening, or could happen that we forget to notice all the good stuff infused in our life.
• Be mindful of what you have. It’s not what you have, it’s how you feel about what you have.  In the words of Sheryl Crow, “It’s not having what you want, it’s wanting what you got.”
• Keep a gratitude journal. Every day find something to be grateful for and write it down.  Not only as a daily practice of being grateful, but also a reminder of the positive things in your life.
• Change your perspective. When something negative happens, try to see it as a positive. Maybe you didn’t get that part in the play, or the new job you wanted, but now you have more time to spend with your family.

Today, and every day forward, I invite you to be grateful. To be mindful of all the good that is in your life and surround you.

And for me? Today I’m grateful for my family (chosen and biological), for feasts and togetherness, for the freedom that my family and others have fought for and that some are still fighting for, and for this bad-ass version of The Star Spangled Banner by Madison Rising.

I love input, so please feel free to leave me a comment below or find me on Facebook (Melissa Gale) and connect with me there. Oh, and sign up to follow me. It’s easy (if you’re on your cell go up to “Menu” then “About Me” and scroll down to “Follow Me”) and you won’t miss a post!

Recently I was talking with my husband in the hot tub (a favorite place to have conversations), about what I should write this week. I was thinking about something unintentionally sexy… or what makes a good apology… or truckers… something like that, but his suggestion was something sexy – unintentional or not.  I thought, “Sure, last week was about chicken soup, so why not something sexy to keep my readers interested?”  And so, with “something sexy” on my mind I started writing this week’s post… at least, that what I started out writing. There were a number of things that were post-worthy, but out of all the things I found to be unintentionally sexy, “laughter” was that little sparkly bit that caught my eye. And so, like Alice down the Rabbit Hole, today’s post took a turn (sorry, dear) and I decided to share laughter with you.

Did you know that laughter is actually contagious? Fact. There have been studies where scientists scan people’s brains when they hear laughter or see someone smiling. The scans show the part of our brain that prepares our facial muscles essentially “lights up” in response to the positive emotion.  That’s why when you see someone smiling you’ll automatically smile back at them.  (I bet you’re smiling now just reading about smiles, aren’t you?) and when you see two people laughing between themselves you’ll probably chuckle a little to yourself even though you don’t know why they’re laughing.

The benefits of laughter are felt emotionally, physically, and mentally. Emotionally: Laughter eases anxiety and shifts perspective. In a difficult situation laughter can create a bit of psychological distance, so we can view the situation in a less threatening way.

Physically: Laughter relaxes the whole body, boosts your immune system, and releases endorphins.  And hey, who couldn’t use a little more endorphins?

Mentally:  Laughter clears your mind and dissolves troubling emotions.  It allows you to connect with another person and can help diffuse conflict.

There are, of course, a number of different laughs and types of laughter, but since this is my post I wanted to share a couple of my favorite laughs:
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The uninhibited laugh. This one, besides being one of my favorites, was also on my list of “sexy things.” You know the laugh. That one where he just throws his head back, regardless of what anyone thinks, and just laughs with his whole body.  Maybe it’s the inhibition that makes this laugh so great, but a guy who can just let go and enjoy something funny is definitely sexy.

The playful laugh. Laughter and playfulness seem to go hand in hand. Laughter strengthens our relationships – both our social relationships and the more intimate relationship with our lover. Laughter creates a positive bond and allows us to drop our defenses and releases our inhibitions.  A man (or woman) who can make me laugh is instantly more attractive and endearing.

The belly laugh of a child. This is my absolute favorite laugh, and by far, the most powerful.  I don’t know anyone who can resist laughing when they hear a baby laughing from their belly.  When my youngest son was about 2½ we got him a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas.  You’ve seen the toy: bright red Elmo laughs and falls to the floor laughing and kicking his feet.  Ahren used to laugh along with him so hard he would get all of us laughing.  I love this sound so much I actually recorded his laughter and made it a ringtone on my phone. It makes me smile and chuckle to myself every time I hear it.

As we grow there is a very real danger that we’ll forget how to play and how to laugh without hesitation.  So while laughter is definitely sexy, and a man with a sense of humor is definitely attractive, my main thought for today was to encourage you to get out there and laugh more.  Don’t take yourself so seriously, be playful with each other, laugh with each other, and take a lesson from babies out there everywhere and laugh from the belly.

I love input, so please feel free to leave me a comment below or find me on Facebook (Melissa Gale) and connect with me there. Oh, and sign up to follow me. It’s easy and you won’t miss a post!